I stand on a precipice. The walking lane of the Golden Gate Bridge is busy and the people sidestep my luggage and I. The tattered Louis Vuitton sits beside me as I gaze upon the Pacific Ocean. The sun warms my face and I smell the exhaust fumes of the cars and the 28 bus as they carry passengers to their destinations. San Francisco is home. I feel free and alive here and as I contemplate the unthinkable I remember the memories that live in me--the ones made here.
No, I am not a suicide jumper. The unthinkable for me lies in throwing that tattered (and metaphorical) LV suitcase over the rails of bridge and in to the ocean--never to be seen again. That suitcase has accompanied me faithfully for many, many years. It is not stuffed with clothes, toiletries or faux designer purses (Ew!), but with hurt, pain, scars, trust issues and all of the dark, ugly things I have carried with me. The suitcase is to me what Linus' blanket was to him--my constant. There are people in this life who master many things. Me? I mastered shoving away the bad things and ignoring them like a fucking Navy Seal. First love is gay? Shove that shit in the suitcase. Dad in rehab? In to the suitcase motherfucker! Anxiety attack? Suitcase time bitch!
I cannot pinpoint the moment my suitcase appeared. One day it was there and I never looked back. It went through college and the teaching credential program with me. It moved back home with me. That suitcase saw me through my first miserable year of teaching and it was there when I told that school to get fucked and went back home to my alma mater to teach. The Vuitton accompanied me to the hospital when I had my 1st panic attack on Thanksgiving Day and it was there when I saw the beautiful, blue TARDIS sitting on the computer of the man I love. It sat in the passenger seat the foggy night my Godson was born and it was there through the 2 years my best friend and I didn't speak. How can I throw it over the railing now?!?! Life won't be the same without my suitcase. And that fucking terrifies me. What if that suitcase goes over the edge and I am lost? But can I really pay the costs of keeping it with me?
The sunshine warms me but I feel the utter panic as I stand there and contemplate how I will proceed. I have no clue how to live without my suitcase. How do I let it go and live?
